Plugging the plank
Posted by Ron Coleman on March 20, 2007
This memo just washed up on shore:
Avast, friend… whether ye be land-lubber or member of the Brethren…!
If you read the newspaper–or even just glance at the headlines–you are no doubt aware of the critical worldwide shortage of pirates. (If you do just glance at headlines, you might consider canceling your paper subscription and spending your money on something else.)
Pirates perform a number of vital socio-economic services for the population at large, of course: Their constant burying and digging up of treasure ensures the free circulation of doubloons and other valuables; their making each other walk the plank guarantees that sharks in all seven seas are well fed; and without pirates the rum industry could not survive.
Unfortunately, ranks of pirates are at their thinnest these days, and no one seems to know exactly why. Is it global warming, which has disrupted the natural habitat of the feared Ice Pirates of Antarctica… or an excess of wily but virtuous blacksmiths who, having studied swordsmanship in secret, are now hell-bent on wreaking vengeance on the pirates who destroyed their homes? Or is it simply too many ninjas?
Whatever the cause of this crisis, my friends, I am a man of action, and I would prefer to focus on the solution. And the solution is simple: We need more pirates.
Studies show that 9 out of 10 potential buccaneers are held back only by the lack of a really good entry-level guide for new pirates. (The tenth is held back by his love of the Governor’s virtuous daughter.) While we can’t do anything for that unfortunate tenth, the other nine are in luck.Sometime in the next few weeks, THE GOVERNMENT MANUAL FOR NEW PIRATES will arrive in a bookshop (or on a bookship) near you.
THE GOVERNMENT MANUAL FOR NEW PIRATES is a handy (or, hooky, as the case may be) and practical reference manual that will aid you in selecting a ship, training your parrot, and — perhaps most importantly — cursing with sufficient panache. It also features a handy pirate/Yiddish dictionary.
If you have been thrown in the brig (or are otherwise unable to make it to your local bookstore), you may purchase the book by clicking here.
THE GOVERNMENT MANUAL FOR NEW PIRATES: Because that treasure isn’t going to bury itself.
Arrrrr,
Matthew David Brozik
(a/k/a “Cap’n Hook-leg”)
Co-author of The Government Manual for New Pirates
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